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Need To Breathe

 

2016. September 5th, Monday, 12:37 pm
In school

Trying to pay attention but I can’t.
My mind wanders; far away. Sometimes, it stays blank.
This depression won’t let me pay much attention or think straight.
My parents think I’m lazy. What they don’t understand is depression drains my energy, it crushes my hopes and dreams, it takes away my motivation, and makes me want to die.
When you can literally feel your heart aching through your chest, you know you have a problem, when your hand are filled with sadness and the muscles ache and your body feels like it’s going to break and you can’t seem to stop the tears, you know it’s the height of it.
But no one will ever understand how this feels.
Parents are to blame for just about all the problems this generation is facing. They need to understand that internet is not always the problem, bad company isn’t the problem, the distractions aren’t always what they think. Sometimes it’s just emotional, sometimes it’s just us needing more support, but most the time, it’s them.
I am just fine I’m a daughter hiding my depression
I’m a sister making a good impression
I’m a friend acting like I’m fine
I’m a teenager pushing her tears aside
I’m the girl sitting next to you I’m the one asking you to care, hoping you’ll be there and I will tear my skin apart just to reach in and fix and caress my broken heart.
Cut through my skin and bleed till I no longer am
Till my soul departs from my body and I can no longer feel.
This generation is twisted and broken and it feels the Saviour has gone away, far from us.
Personally, I no longer know where to get help.

I still remember the little girl whose heart was on the verge of shattering completely but still gave others something to believe. Something to hope in; Jesus.
That was me. I had all the love in my heart for people, life, Jesus. But not myself. I would do anything to see others happy even if it cost me sadness. I just wanted to be that flame in the dark where no light was.
But now, all that has changed. Life took a turn and I fell and it hurt and I know I’m no longer that girl. I’m 16 years old. Silence has overwhelmed me, darkness has overtaken me. Now I’ve been left to face me. On my own.
Jesus, kill me inside this and raise me up to live again.
I’m sorry I’ve lost hope in You. I’m sorry.
I write this with tears in my eyes asking You to forgive me and release me and bring me back to life again. Come back to my life. Give me the strength to fight and the heart to believe when it’s hard to believe in You.

But truth is, I’m tired. I’ve asked You this before but You don’t seem eager to come back.
Why do You leave me here alone??
What am I meant to do to get relief???
I feel thorns where my crown was. The light in my eyes has disappeared and the hope in my voice is all gone now. My confidence is no more and the weight of this burden I bear is too much for me. I’ve ruined a part of me. Though it feels I’m broken beyond repair, fix me

Give me a reason to live.

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