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12.10.16 

After a long, hard day

 I only want to lie my bed and write down everything that happened. (Which i normally dont do) From when I woke up thinking “God, do I really have to do this??” To eating my wonderful meal of plantain and not being able to enjoy the awesomeness for I recall the pain that clung close to my heart throughout the day and the happiness that was ready to burst out from within but had nothing to trigger the explosion. I can remember shedding sad tears in silence while chopping carrots in the kitchen with my back against my mother and my shoulders shielding my wet face from her view cause no one really needs to know how broken I am. Even if they did. Then what?

The heaviness in my heart, the burden that needs to be lifted and the heart that needs to be mended 


all seem to get heavier and more tattered and torn by the day.

I can only imagine- how happy my parents would have been if I didn’t come into existence. But see, if I was given a choice, I wouldn’t choose to be here. I didn’t pray myself into existence, my sister did.

Oh how badly her heart yearned for a baby sister. Momma asked her to pray about it and she did. She got me. Now every day I’m awake, I have to listen to stories of when I was a child and I made some mistakes that I’m now paying for as a 16 year old. I don’t understand. What could I have done? Every day I hear things about me I hope never really happened. I hear about how I scarred my older brother on the left side of his face and till date the mark still remains. The list goes on, but I’d rather not put those down.

My world is full of all sorts. Too many hurts. How my heart aches whenever I look in the mirror and see an ugly girl while on the faces of everyone in my family, I see beauty. I recall the friends of my sister telling me to my face that I’m ugly, the friends I had for myself telling me my face had all them flaws, my mother telling me how much I make her want to cry these days, how she hopes she’s not running insane. I could go on and on but I don’t wish to revisit old, painful memories. 
But you know that moment when you know you’ve made someone smile though you’re full of disappointments? The joy that fills you for those few seconds is unexplainable.

 Yeah, that was the only part of today I actually felt like somebody.

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9 thoughts on “12.10.16 

  1. Sighs. Hints of sadness everywhere
    The beautiful part is I see a stronger hint of a strong, beautiful girl ready to face the world and show it what’s she’s made of. I don’t know you but hey, you’re amazing, beautiful, strong, passionate and a beautiful writer. You have a lifetime of happiness ahead, forget the past and look forward to it *hugs*

    Liked by 2 people

  2. I understand how you feel my dear especially hearing such words from people who are supposed to be our support, shelter, shoulders to cry on. I know God created you for a purpose and you are beautiful in your way. You shouldn’t let the words hurt you. When you were a kid, you did things maybe a kid did but now you’re grown up and so all you gotta do is learn from your mistakes. I pray the Lord touch your heart and make you see how beautiful, graced and blessed you are. Don’t give up now. God bless you!

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Oh young lady…how I feel your pain. I’ve been where you are, I know how painful it can be, and I want to encourage you to see yourself the way God sees you. Everyone makes mistakes and you are no exception to that, but you have to choose to grow from it. For years I looked into the mirror and saw ugly. I despised looking at myself because I hated the way I looked. I felt unloved and like no one cared and at 15 I decided I would take my life, but the Lord stopped me.

    I was 24 years old before I finally looked in the mirror and was able to say, “I’m beautiful, I’m somebody, I matter” and mean it. I’m now 28 and I still have days where I don’t like where I am as a person, but I’m thankful for where Jesus has me. It hurts when your friends turn against you, but it can be a blessing in that now you know who they really are and Jesus can come in and give you new friends. You learn how not to treat people and what a real friend is.

    Find the beauty in your scars and do not be ashamed of them, for they make you who you are. I think I have a poem for you. If possible I’d like to email it to you for you to read. Please stay encouraged and know you ARE beautiful–not just because of your physical makeup (because you are a very pretty girl) but because of the One who made you. I would suggest reading Psalm 139:14 everyday and don’t stop until those things that are keep you bound break inside of you. It’s okay to be sad, to hurt; just remember that you are not alone. And never forget that ALL things work out for our good.

    Like

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