After a long, hard day
I only want to lie my bed and write down everything that happened. (Which i normally dont do) From when I woke up thinking “God, do I really have to do this??” To eating my wonderful meal of plantain and not being able to enjoy the awesomeness for I recall the pain that clung close to my heart throughout the day and the happiness that was ready to burst out from within but had nothing to trigger the explosion. I can remember shedding sad tears in silence while chopping carrots in the kitchen with my back against my mother and my shoulders shielding my wet face from her view cause no one really needs to know how broken I am. Even if they did. Then what?
The heaviness in my heart, the burden that needs to be lifted and the heart that needs to be mended
I can only imagine- how happy my parents would have been if I didn’t come into existence. But see, if I was given a choice, I wouldn’t choose to be here. I didn’t pray myself into existence, my sister did.
Oh how badly her heart yearned for a baby sister. Momma asked her to pray about it and she did. She got me. Now every day I’m awake, I have to listen to stories of when I was a child and I made some mistakes that I’m now paying for as a 16 year old. I don’t understand. What could I have done? Every day I hear things about me I hope never really happened. I hear about how I scarred my older brother on the left side of his face and till date the mark still remains. The list goes on, but I’d rather not put those down.
My world is full of all sorts. Too many hurts. How my heart aches whenever I look in the mirror and see an ugly girl while on the faces of everyone in my family, I see beauty. I recall the friends of my sister telling me to my face that I’m ugly, the friends I had for myself telling me my face had all them flaws, my mother telling me how much I make her want to cry these days, how she hopes she’s not running insane. I could go on and on but I don’t wish to revisit old, painful memories.
But you know that moment when you know you’ve made someone smile though you’re full of disappointments? The joy that fills you for those few seconds is unexplainable.
Yeah, that was the only part of today I actually felt like somebody.