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rescript

She wanted to be herself, but she didn’t know who she was.
She wanted to redress her life but she didn’t know early enough that her script stood on terms and conditions that read “mistakes made now cannot be rectified later”
But no one ever looks through those these days, isn’t it? So she didn’t.

She was stuck in a mind that didn’t belong to her. Reproach hung over her life. It was a heavy cloak, and it stung. Whenever she looked in the mirror, it stared right back at her.
Aside that, something was just wrong about the combination of how she was created.
From the way her arms hung from her shoulders, to the way her feet were formed, it felt as though the Superior Being who molded her, deliberately made her perfection’s enemy.
She heard He never made mistakes. She was told that everything He did was for a purpose. She read that if your life wasn’t going right, it’s either you’re wrong or you just had a “bright future” But somehow, she knew that was not the case. Because after letting go of her weights and sins and before even holding onto those nets, something just wasn’t right.
And you know, nothing is sadder than a child who has seen so much and enough of the world, that she does not wish to be a part of it. Nothing.
But she couldn’t leave.

And everyday, as she grew older, she saw pieces of herself break away.
She watched familiar faces turn from her. She felt people who once hoped for her, dreamed with her, and believed in her stare at her in disgust as she passed by.
She was so broken that she could feel it in more than just her drowning heart. It was now affecting her whole body.
In her reflection she could always see a torn apart and lonely girl that she would have taken in her arms but there was always a wall between them.

What do you do when home no longer feels like home?

And the weight of her inadequacies continued to weigh on her weak self. To the world, she seemed strong. But she knew she was going to shatter soon. Maybe all she needed was company? But truth be told she could never explain all the things going on in her life. Suitable words were still yet to exist. Everywhere she looked, all she could see were reminders of who she was and used to be. In her head grew a list of things she’d done wrong, names she’d been called, and mistakes she’d made. Slowly, these were the things she became.

To her, it was like watching life steadily leave your body everyday.

It was hearing the sound of your nighttime sobs gradually dissappear into the silence of the night
It was screaming for help while the sun was still awake but watching yourself drown while everyone walks on water, leaving you behind. It was watching her world fall apart and her heart drop to the ground, watching her bones break and her breath being taken away from her but being able to do nothing but stare blankly.

“Yeah, I’m okay. just tired” But if you had gone through this before, you could easily tell her tiredness had nothing to do with lack of sleep but her fading hope and happiness was draining everything from her.

Her parents thought she was lazy, but what they didn’t know was the Zig Ziglar quote that said “There is no such thing as a lazy person; he is either sick or uninspired”

The next plan was to stay floating in the water by dying. So everyone, though they’d forgotten her, would say, “Wow. She made it”
But somehow, even that wasn’t happening.

And you know, only a few things are worse than lying to your doctor when he asks “Do you feel you’re a let down?”

But he knew it was a lie and told her it was growing pains.

But this wasn’t just a phase.
This was her whole life and
Because she wasn’t the author of her story,
She needed a rescript.

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5 thoughts on “rescript

  1. I remember those days for me so well. Eventually people started telling to just “get over it, stop crying.” They didn’t realize that I was dying to find a way to just shut the pain off… Then I got older. And even now sometimes I get weary and tired of crying, but that’s how God made me. To be sensitive, compassionate, empathetic. So it’s okay to cry from time to time, we just can’t wallow in the tears.

    As hard as it might be to hear this, it does get better. Note however that I didn’t say it gets EASIER, but better. So many things come at you at your age, so much you can’t even understand right now, but one day it’s going to become crystal clear. And who knows, God might just raise you up to inspire and uplift all those broken girls who felt ignored and unloved.

    I’m reading this and I feel the pain, but do know little sis that I love you and I want you to keep fighting. The enemy’s job is to make us feel like it’s all hopeless, to give up. I would insist you take the time to give God thanks even when it hurts, when it feels like it’s all too much to bear. When you do, you’ll find yourself amazed all the glimmers of light that were around you and you never even noticed. It will take time, but you will make it through this and you WILL be a stronger person because of it.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Dear Ire, I feel each word you wrote in this post and it’s like you ad met me before writing this. I know how it feels, what it feels like to be a total mess and everyone around you just telling you it’s gonna pass or not even noticing it at all. I know you are a strong girl and just like I am struggling to pick myself up, you will too. I pray you heal and grow and be better. Don’t give up now!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I can’t help the tears right now, I honestly can’t stop crying. I really don’t know what this girl is going through but I’m weak to my knees, I love you even though I don’t know. Thanks for speaking for all of us

    Liked by 1 person

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